Man, have we been getting letters. Apparently, there are a ton of rumors out there right now about what palmOne and PalmSource are up to. As you know, we don't believe in publishing rumors, so this time we're just going to tell you what we know as truth.

First, effective April, palmOne and Apple will become wholly-owned subsidiaries of the Dole Food Company, Inc. The Palm OS is being rewritten to support Linux, and this is because all Apple computers shipped from April on will run Palm OS only.

The entire Apple i-series of software has been discontinued in favor of four new "Big" apps, entitled: iMemo, iContact, iDatebook, and iTasks. To improve its speed, the Palm Desktop is being rewritten in Javascript. All new computers from both Apple and palmOne will have the sunburst logo on them.

The smaller handhelds have the code name "Golden Supreme" while the larger, full-size computers have the code name "Sugar Loaf". Both the handhelds and the computers will be shipped only in yellow and red. Corporate headquarters and development teams will relocate to Oahu. In order to reduce the size of the new handhelds, the Golden Supreme series will be shipping without a display. Rather than looking at your calendar or task list, the device will simply tell you what you're supposed to do next.

Dole has, apparently, invested in new semiconductor fab technology that allows them to grow microchips and processors from actual soil, using something they call the Ginaca machine. As a result, rather than plugging in the new Golden Supreme and Sugar Loaf devices, you'll simply have to store them in the fridge overnight to recharge them. The devices also respond well to sunlight. Operating them in bright sunlight will speed them up, operating in the same way as overclocking.

In addition, rather than upgrading your devices every 18 months, you'll be able to grow them. When the device is about 18 months old it will sprout a bright red cone. If this hasn't happened by 20 months, "coax" the cone out by putting the entire computer in a large plastic garbage bag. Place a ripe apple in the bag and tie it closed, move to a shady spot and leave for three days. Remove the bag and return the computer to its usual sunny location (by this time, you'll have learned how this improves performance). The bright red cone should appear after about two months. The next stage brings row upon row of beautiful, bright blue icons, which will appear over two weeks. When the colors of the last icon fade, the device itself begins to develop. When your device is six months old, it becomes more feature rich and changes color, turning from green to rich gold on the inside and outside. Then it's time to pack up and enjoy it.

Like we've told you before, we don't traffic in rumors.